Do you ever look at your life and wonder what the heck you're up to?
I've been doing that a lot lately.
I mean, overall I think life is good - but every so often reality raises its ugly head and looks you in the eye, and then what are you supposed to do? These last few weeks have been a little introspective for me; perhaps Grandpa's passing spurred it, or maybe it was just time.
What is the point? Of life, I mean? We've definitely made some interesting choices. Choices that in a lot of ways have cost us a lot, and in other ways have given us much. But sometimes I wonder where we would be if different choices had been made.
If we didn't own the store, would we still be working over 100 hours a week, barely meeting our own bills, dealing with each emergency expense by the seat of our pants? Would we (one or both) have a "real" job, a steady income, benefits, a less insane work schedule - or would we now be laid off with nothing?
Sometimes I feel like I'm swimming backwards. When do we start to stand on our own two feet? Right now, without parents to help with the bills, we'd be screwed. That's not a cool place to be. How will this affect our retirement, and our lives down the road? What would God have us do, if indeed there is a path we are to walk? When does life on the edge become obscene instead of adventure, irresponsible instead of hopeful? How can we possibly make a valiant effort to live within our means when our means are almost non-existent and change every month? When do we look at life and say "it's not working, we have to figure something else out?"
Why do I care all of a sudden? Are we doing what we're supposed to do, or are we just doing because we don't know what else to do?
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It sounds like you need a change, but if you're like most people, you're scared to make it. You say you care about what God wants you to do, you need to examine whether you really think the stressful life that you seem to be leading is something He would want you to be experiencing. If not, then change. Change is scary, but it is reality.
If you want to stand on your own two feet, then do it. That sounds simplistic, but its true. If you've been spinning your wheels for awhile, then try a road that's more dry. Get a "real" job, try it out for the same amount of time that you've tried whatever you're doing now. You just have to decide to do it. Take charge of your situation. Lives are not meant to be spent in constant toil, God did not build us for that, even He rested, and we are made in His image.
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